In a political move equivalent to someone’s dad turning up at a party in Converse hi-tops, playing Laid by James from the car stereo at a slightly louder volume than normal and asking if anyone wants to ‘take some marijuana’, Prime Minister David Cameron confirmed his status as a prime knobhead yesterday when he issued the following statement to disbelieving journalists across the UK in response to moral panic relating to rumours of a huge anti-royal wedding street party in Glasgow’s Kelvingrove park today:
“These pen pushers and busybodies are completely wrong. They have no right to stop you from having fun. I am the Prime Minister and I am telling you if you want to have a street party, you go ahead and have one.”
Since the statement, which is now being referred to across the UK as ‘kelvingrove gate’, or ‘knobhead gate’ for short, rumours have been circulating as to whether the PM was Cameron was either caught up in a rare wave of post-sex euphoria, still feeling the effects of the night before, or whether he was in fact blackmailed, following threats by a well-known member of the national branch of Glasgow’s premier young team ‘the bundy’.
In yet another G.L.I.S.C.O exclusive, we can exclusively reveal that Cameron in fact made the statement following a Facebook message received in the early hours of Tuesday morning, and does indeed refer directly to the Strathclyde Polis and the organisers of the Kelvingrove park party (and by ‘organisers’, we mean the person who initially posted the event, without whom Kelvingrove park, in Glasgow’s student-populated and affluent west end, would obviously be deserted on this sunny, socialist/communist/hippie-taunting excuse of a bank holiday).
In an impressive feat of computer hackery, G.L.I.S.C.O. has managed to track down the original Facebook message, the author of which remains anonymous. A substantial reward* will be offered to anyone able to identify the writer.
Arright davo How you doin mate! Things good? Tried to get u on the phone but cant get thru, u been cut off again? Bastads!!! lol happens to all of us mate
wer’e having a bit of a party today for willys wedding n that and just wondered if u can do us a favour. the polis are being pure dicks about it and mongo and titwipe and the boys comin down for it an everythin so dont want it getting shut down befor weve even started lol. if u can have a word and say ‘im pure the prime minister n that and if i say yous can drink in the park then thats fuckin kosher, lets get on it’ that wd be BRILLIANT Mate!
if u fancy poppin up yourself mate i can get u a deal on the megabus, my mate paul at work knows some bird who got af with one of the drivers at creamfields las year so she gets free tickets as long as she doesnt tell his wife she is a pure mentalist mate… u kno the score!! let me kno if ur short on cash ive just been down the cheque centre i will lend it to u just pay us back when u get paid mate. is a pure mission like 8 hours or somethn but at least u cn get on it on the buses…. trains are DICKS!! would be fuckin cool to see u again mate, been way to long!
btw that jill-janet bird will be there but dont worry everyons forgotten about the thnig with u 2 in the shoppin trolley mate n shes pure calmed down since she got a job at the station
*Subject to availability and the identifiee getting to the park in time for there to be some booze left. If there is indeed no alcohol, reward will comprise a cold, slightly flattened sausage roll with some tobacco strands and a Fruitella stuck to the bag, and a line of filter tips, again with accompanying tobacco strands.