Internationally renowned children’s entertainer Barry Chuckle has expressed his dismay
following the failure of any rumours of his death to circulate so far in 2011.
Unnecessarily confirming for the third time that he is not dead*, the star, 27, said: “I am dismayed that, nearly halfway through the year, not one person has tweeted anything linking me to a fatal heart injury.”
Following front page headlines in 2009 and 2010 detailing the star’s fatal death following a
heart attack, British newspapers have as of yet not published any announcements to confirm that Chuckle, whose real name is Barry Chuckle, is still alive.
The star, who enjoyed unexpected fame in 2009-10 when his name became the highest ranking name Google search term to be sandwiched by the words ‘is’ and ‘dead?’, is also known for his brief stint in shortlived satirical BBC children’s show Chucklevision, which was removed from UK screens in 1952 following a record number of complaints from Tourettes charities across the nation.
He is said to be dismayed and, “if truth be told, really quite dismayed” by the lack of
interest in his current existential status.
Speaking exclusively from his bedsit in Hull, where he has lived since 1945 with brother Paul (real name Alfonso), he said: “Last year, I received bags of damp letters saying ‘r u really dead this time wtf plz reply’. They were clearly deranged with grief. I replied personally to all seven of them to prove that I wasn’t dead. I was very much the opposite of dead, I was alive. They were damp because of tears, by the way. Not rain, or tea.”
After signing a contract with PR company Dead Or alive!, set up in 2009 primarily to deal
with Chuckle’s death issues, Barry was the firm’s most lucrative client for almost two years.
Now, it seems, Chuckle is in danger of being removed from the company’s roster, which has since expanded to include such high profile celebrities as Lindsay Lohan, Vanessa Feltz and the Queen Mother.
Dead Or alive! executive director and general ball-breaker Timmy Chuckle, who is unrelated to Barry, said: “I am being forced to re-consider Chuckle’s future with the company.”
He added: “As in Barry Chuckle, not me – I’m not going anywhere. Make sure that’s clear in the article, please.”
It is uncertain whether plans for a commemorative episode of the popular long-running ITV show Chucklevision, featuring Paul and Barry (who is not dead) replacing their hilarious catchphrase “to me, to you” with the words “Barry’s not dead”, will now go ahead.
Chuckle (Timmy) sighed: “Unless we can get a guest appearance from Feltz or the Queen Mother – or maybe that Rastamouse guy – then I just can’t see there being any demand for it.”
For the meantime, Chuckle is philosophical, stating: “There are benefits to no-one caring whether you’re dead and alive. This time last year Timmy was working round the clock to circulate grainy pictures of me with young boys to try to change the media focus. At least this summer I can hang around the local school gates again without fear of cruel taunts – or worse.”
*True at time of publication. G.L.I.S.C.O. does not take responsibility for circumstances in
which Barry Chuckle dies from heart-related trauma following the publication of this article, and certainly will not be subject to any guilt-induced existential crises and/or beliefs regarding weird superpowers which may occur from said event occurring during the uploading of this post.