You know if money, time, employment and things like having to put your socks on in the morning weren’t an issue? This is how I would spend the next weekend. Assuming you don’t have a magic watch*, some of the club promoters have kindly supplied their ultimate Hallowe’en track recommendations to help you decide.

*Obviously, Bernard’s magical timepiece is in fact a thinly disguised euphemism for ketamine, which gives a broadly similar effect and will allow you to believe you’ve done ALL the things without actually leaving your bedroom. First Rainbow, now this…

Friday 29th October. Start of the Hallowe’en weekend. Hallowe’en’s actually on Sunday, but that hasn’t stop people putting on club nights on Wednesday – five nights in advance – to cash in on a pagan holiday. Bearing that in mind, going out in fancy dress on the Friday’s not really pushing the the credibility boat out that far. Let the costumes begin. 

7pm. Jamaica and Mopp
Jamaica – I Think I Like U 2 (NTEIBINT remix)

11pm. R-P-Z
Track: Radiorama – Vampires
“Crazy Italo-ween disco, sadly from a duo with too much tan to pull off the vampire look effectively”  Hushpuppy

Saturday 30th October. Wake up dressed as one of the Mario Brothers, except now your face paint’s half rubbed off you look like Mario’s lesser known brother, Burns Victim Luigi. On the plus side, it’s officially acceptable to be in fancy dress: when it turns midnight it will actually be Hallowe’en. The probability of witnessing a pissed Teletubby trying to get off with a ‘sexy’ Harry Potter at some point over the next 12 hours is high. Life is good, my friend.

11pm. Subcity Party in Dimension B
Track: HaHaHa – Kapipi

11pm. Huntleys & Palmers w/ Oni Ayhun (live), Alex Smoke
Track: Oni Ayhun – OAR-004 (A side)

Sunday 31st October. Happy Hallowe’en! Don’t really feel like going out tonight? Tough. You didn’t spend half your wages and half your month painstakingly attaching yellow feathers to an old jumper to stay in on Hallowe’en in your stained dressing gown, miserably refreshing the Facebook homepage in between repeats of Come Dine With Me. Oh no. You’re going out, and you’re going out dressed as Big Bird. Burns Victim Big Bird. That face paint is, distressingly, not shifting.  

8pm. Cry Parrot w/ Gary War, Ben Butler & Mousepad, Ultimate Thrush
Optimo Espookio
Track: Bauhaus – Bela Lugosi’s Dead
“It’s slightly unhinged, spooky, a bit doomy, an amazing piece of music and about and it’s about Bela Lugosi, possibly thee best Dracula of all time. What more could one ask for?” JD Twitch

Monday 1st November. Your bedroom floor looks like a scene from an am-dram recreation of The Birds and you’ve managed to scrub enough of the face paint off to leave you with what could either be an unsightly birthmark or a Jolen time management disaster on your upper lip. Memory as you know it has become a series of fragments alternating between euphoria and deep, deep embarrassment. You’ve forgotten where you work – or if you were ever employed in the first place.

Worth it, though.

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