Has anyone else been irritated recently by the advert for Nescafe’s ‘three in one’ coffee
Qualms about the product aside (rankness in a sachet), this is surely a wholly inaccurate
representation of ‘that morning after feeling’. What did they get up to the night before, go wild with the Sour Cream N Onion Pringles? There’ll be teenagers watching this who have
yet to fully experience their First Hangover (available from all good supermarkets NOW),
teenagers who still believe that being an adult is in some way preferable to being a child -
that naive subset of the population who have yet to experience the local Job Centre or the
man from the council knocking at their door as they desperately try to disguise the double
bed in the living room with newspapers and artfully placed cushions. Spoiler alert: it
If there are any teenagers reading this, I’m sorry to break it to you, but at some point
your body just stops tolerating alcohol. It may take you by surprise – at a festival in a
foreign country, for example – or, it may happen gradually. To cover both options, I’ve
kindly produced a comprehensive, bookmarkable guide to the most common forms of Hangover so, wherever you may be, you can identify yours and act accordingly.
You know how much you had to drink last night, and it was definitely more than the other
weekend when you suffered (oh, how you suffered) for two days afterwards. But, for some reason, you feel… fine. Really. Fine. You’ve checked for all the symptoms but you just don’t have any.
Characteristics: clear head, normal seratonin levels, making of enthusiastic and spontaneous plans, googling of phrase ‘no hangover why’, mild sense of unease at possible reasons why you are not hungover (ranges from luck of the draw to kidney failure/irreversibly damaged nervous system/lack of soul).
Chances of leaving house: 10
Common sub-genre of The Ghost. Sufferer tends to experience all the characteristics of The Ghost until around 4-5pm, at which point the hangover manifests itself sharply and suddenly. This usually takes the form of a standard 2.4 Children. It is rare (but not unknown) for a Creeper to turn into an Existentialist or Apocalpse. As such, it is fairly innocuous in itself, but problems can occur if hangover arrives whilst undertaking aforementioned sponteneous plans.
Characteristics: See above. Then, see below.
Chances of leaving house: 7
Essential listening: See above. Then, see below.
THE 2.4 CHILDREN (or ‘FUNCTIONAL’)
The most common form of hangover, the 2.4. Children is deeply reassuring in its checklist-
approach to the traditional hangover symptoms often seen in BBC sitcoms. Bearers may feel a vague sense of comfort at being part of a national experience, and will undertake box set binges, continual refreshing of Facebook home page and consumption of unnecessarily
calorific snacks (including reheated takeaway food) with minimal guilt and/or a heightened
sense of novelty, depending on frequency of hangovers.
N.B. If person has Existentialist tendencies, sense of comfort may be substituted for a deep
sense of malaise and temporary depression at becoming a crude stereotype.
Characteristics: headache, nausea, lethargy, sense of entitlement regarding slobbish
behaviour, rediscovering of ‘classic’ tracks from adolescence on Youtube, appreciation of
Jarvis Cocker’s Sunday Service on 6 Music, appreciation of prolific nature of Come Dine With Me programming schedule
Chances of leaving house: 4
You didn’t drink last night, but you wake up with all the characteristics of a standard 2.4
Children, forcing you to come to one of two conclusions: You’re genuinely ill, or it’s karma for something bad you have done. The incident in question ranges from taking the last of the milk in the morning to something unforgivable you did to your best friend when you were eight, depending on tendency of the sufferer towards guilt and paranoia.
Characteristics: headache, nausea, lethargy, hatred of world and self, googling of phrase
‘hangover no alcohol consumed why’
Chances of leaving house: 6
Often follows either an impromptu or particularly depraved drinking session. If bearer is
working, often they will push themselves harder – e.g. answering complicated emails from
three weeks ago, organising the filing cabinet, or polishing entire stock of wine glasses -
either out of guilt or a need to distract themself from the mental and physical symptoms of
the hangover. If not working, bearers may attempt to make complicated meals involving hard-to-source ingredients, spring clean their flat, refresh their knowledge of high school
Spanish classes, remember their online banking passwords, or phone antagonistic family members.
Characteristics: headache, nausea, lethargy, intolerance for ineffective colleagues/slow walkers, heightened level of guilt, heightened level of productivity
Chances of leaving house: 9
Most common amongst philosophy students, artists, deep thinkers, and those relatively free from the time-consuming mundanities of everyday domestic/professional life.
Sufferers will indulge in a persistent questioning of reasons behind drinking and
socialising, often with an in depth character analysis of their own actions, friends’
actions, and social position in said group of friends. Thought processes tend towards an
pessimistic interpretation of all of the above. Some bearers may go on to extend the analogy to the meaning of society and life in general, again with a pessimistic interpretation on both.
Bearer often envisages self in third person or as a character in a film (black and white,
art house, sparse atonal piano soundtrack) in which the character goes through a personal
journey through grief, rage, depression, fear and, finally, acceptance whilst looking
tormented but in a beautiful way.
Characteristics: frustration at reduced mental capacity, inability to console self by
consumption of fried food/trashy media, attempts at poetry/songwriting, unhealthy fixation on a previously commonplace concept, which now becomes inescapably terrifying or freakish (e.g. cheese, toes, childbirth, Julian Clary, call centres)
Chance of leaving house: 3
This is the end, my only friend, the end. Physical meets mental incapacity in a battle of
the wills between longed-for suicide and lack of energy to actually do so. The world, as you
know it, is over.
Characteristics: avoidance of daylight, forced adoption of nil-by-mouth policy, extreme pain in all bodily regions, inertia, anxiety, memory loss coupled with flashbacks, dictation of
all movement by bodily functions, involuntary imagining of terrible events happening to
self/friends/family members, loss of any sense of relevancy and appropriateness in
conversation and social interactions or, in extreme cases, temporary loss of understanding
of basic tenets of conversation
Chance of leaving house: 0